Is It Time to Leave Your Relationship?

I can’t begin to share with you how many times I have been asked the million-dollar question,

“How do I know whether it is time to leave this relationship or keep working on it?”

The answer varies for each person, and deep inner searching is vital. In part, your answer depends on two primary factors:

* your level of unhappiness and dissatisfaction, or the outward “pull” you feel to leave
* your honest conscious self-exploration of feelings, beliefs and behaviors

Professional experience has proven to me that depending upon an individual’s level of commitment, and to what or whom, the question can be simple or complex. The answer to “Is it time to leave the relationship or stay and work at it?” can be clear and obvious or clouded by fear and ambiguity. Why so?

Well, I think it has a lot to do with our beliefs about love and commitment, success and failure. My discovery shows that for many, the answer is eclipsed by what they believe about love, its meaning, responsibility and purpose.

Another belief we must explore is that leaving the relationship is indicative of success or failure. Most people are quick to jump to the conclusion that completing a relationship is a sign of failure. I am not. As a long-time student and teacher of the internationally acclaimed spiritual text A Course in Miracles, I am far more inquisitive and open-minded to the soul’s goal for the relationship, rather than to the ego’s goal.

From the perspective of the soul, one enters every relationship to see and celebrate the beauty, completeness, wholeness and innocence of the Real Self in another, and thus one is able to see the same in oneself. Conversely, the ego, which is founded on belief in scarcity, comes into a union to get that which it believes is missing.

So how do we know when it is time to leave or stay in the relationship? In all honesty, I cannot count the number of times that I have asked myself this same question. And I can assure you from personal experience and from watching couples complete their unions that when you know, you know. After such clarity, and when the knowing comes from your soul and heart, you feel calm and peaceful with the answer. This peace is present even though there still may be pain from the loss of the dream of what may have been. The peace is also present in spite of the uncertainty of how and when the decision or knowing will be acted upon.

Once you do know that it is time to allow the “dance” to end, a space of certainty begins to envelop you. For some, this happens quickly, and for others, it takes weeks, months and even years. I have experienced them all! However, the knowing part of you is patient, gentle and kind, and it waits for the perfect moment to say the words to your partner.

For me, the knowing comes with a feeling of fulfillment and a sense of completion, and some joy with the recognition that a partnership was successful in soul terms. If this is where you are at now, then the “clock” of completion has started “ticking” towards your new life. If it is not where you are at, let me see if I can help you become clearer through exploring the following questions I pose to individuals in my private practice.

Ask yourself:

* What are my top goals, values, priorities and dreams? (These are identifiable by where you spend the most time, energy, money and effort each day)

* What are the top goals, values, priorities and dreams of my partner? (Ask yourself, does he or she read a lot or always watch sports? Is financial freedom a must? Do the kids’ needs come before all else? These are pointers to what makes your partner happy.)

* What past hurt or resentment am I hanging onto?

* What is preventing me from communicating with my mate openly and honestly?

* What do I need in order to overcome my fear of sharing my feelings?

* What do I think I’ll gain by leaving the relationship?

* Can I look my mate in the eyes and say, “I love you completely and I have done everything to make our partnership great”?

* What is the personal goal, desire or dream I want to have fulfilled by my partner that he or she seems unable or unwilling to fulfill?

* What is a personal goal, desire or dream my partner has that I am unwilling or unable to fulfill?

Answering these powerful questions will offer you insights to support either the move towards building more intimacy within your union, or the clarity on the potential need to accept the completion of your union. Remember, the ego always has us believe that it is better “out there,” so don’t leave a relationship with that as the illusion!