Is It Time to Leave Your Relationship?

I can’t begin to share with you how many times I have been asked the million-dollar question,

“How do I know whether it is time to leave this relationship or keep working on it?”

The answer varies for each person, and deep inner searching is vital. In part, your answer depends on two primary factors:

* your level of unhappiness and dissatisfaction, or the outward “pull” you feel to leave
* your honest conscious self-exploration of feelings, beliefs and behaviors

Professional experience has proven to me that depending upon an individual’s level of commitment, and to what or whom, the question can be simple or complex. The answer to “Is it time to leave the relationship or stay and work at it?” can be clear and obvious or clouded by fear and ambiguity. Why so?

Well, I think it has a lot to do with our beliefs about love and commitment, success and failure. My discovery shows that for many, the answer is eclipsed by what they believe about love, its meaning, responsibility and purpose.

Another belief we must explore is that leaving the relationship is indicative of success or failure. Most people are quick to jump to the conclusion that completing a relationship is a sign of failure. I am not. As a long-time student and teacher of the internationally acclaimed spiritual text A Course in Miracles, I am far more inquisitive and open-minded to the soul’s goal for the relationship, rather than to the ego’s goal.

From the perspective of the soul, one enters every relationship to see and celebrate the beauty, completeness, wholeness and innocence of the Real Self in another, and thus one is able to see the same in oneself. Conversely, the ego, which is founded on belief in scarcity, comes into a union to get that which it believes is missing.

So how do we know when it is time to leave or stay in the relationship? In all honesty, I cannot count the number of times that I have asked myself this same question. And I can assure you from personal experience and from watching couples complete their unions that when you know, you know. After such clarity, and when the knowing comes from your soul and heart, you feel calm and peaceful with the answer. This peace is present even though there still may be pain from the loss of the dream of what may have been. The peace is also present in spite of the uncertainty of how and when the decision or knowing will be acted upon.

Once you do know that it is time to allow the “dance” to end, a space of certainty begins to envelop you. For some, this happens quickly, and for others, it takes weeks, months and even years. I have experienced them all! However, the knowing part of you is patient, gentle and kind, and it waits for the perfect moment to say the words to your partner.

For me, the knowing comes with a feeling of fulfillment and a sense of completion, and some joy with the recognition that a partnership was successful in soul terms. If this is where you are at now, then the “clock” of completion has started “ticking” towards your new life. If it is not where you are at, let me see if I can help you become clearer through exploring the following questions I pose to individuals in my private practice.

Ask yourself:

* What are my top goals, values, priorities and dreams? (These are identifiable by where you spend the most time, energy, money and effort each day)

* What are the top goals, values, priorities and dreams of my partner? (Ask yourself, does he or she read a lot or always watch sports? Is financial freedom a must? Do the kids’ needs come before all else? These are pointers to what makes your partner happy.)

* What past hurt or resentment am I hanging onto?

* What is preventing me from communicating with my mate openly and honestly?

* What do I need in order to overcome my fear of sharing my feelings?

* What do I think I’ll gain by leaving the relationship?

* Can I look my mate in the eyes and say, “I love you completely and I have done everything to make our partnership great”?

* What is the personal goal, desire or dream I want to have fulfilled by my partner that he or she seems unable or unwilling to fulfill?

* What is a personal goal, desire or dream my partner has that I am unwilling or unable to fulfill?

Answering these powerful questions will offer you insights to support either the move towards building more intimacy within your union, or the clarity on the potential need to accept the completion of your union. Remember, the ego always has us believe that it is better “out there,” so don’t leave a relationship with that as the illusion!

Cheating – Do You Tell?

 

You know a secret about your friend’s spouse or significant other, do you tell your friend? This age old question is a tough one. Or you have had an affair do you tell your mate? What is the best way to handle infidelity? Relationship Expert Moreah Ragusa shares her advice and thoughts about this sticky situation that affects so many people.
If you are invlolved in a love triangle or are being tormented by your secret and whether you tell your friend, you can call Moreah for coaching.

Click the play button below to listen to Moreah’s thoughts on infidelity, cheating and sharing secrets.

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Facts about Cheating excerpted from Wikipedia

With regard to human relationships, couples tend to expect sexual monogamy of each other. If so, then cheating commonly refers to forms of infidelity, particularly adultery. However, there are other divisions of infidelity, which may be emotional.

Cheating by thinking of, touching and talking with someone you are attracted to may be equally damaging to one of the parties. Emotional cheating may be correlated to that of emotional abuse, which to date is treated as seriously in a court of law as physical cheating. With the expansion of understanding of other cultures, there is a wide spectrum of what cheating means. When in a committed relationship, the definition of cheating is based on both parties opinions and both parties may redefine their understanding to match the party at an either lower or higher extreme of this definition.

Some couples simply believe that cheating constitutes doing anything, whether verbal or physical, that one would not do in front of their significant other. Such examples would include: expressing attraction to another person, electronic communications, kissing, making out, and sexual relations.

Many people consider cheating to be any violation of the mutually agreed-upon rules or boundaries of a relationship, which may or may not include sexual monogamy. For example, in some polyamorous relationships, the concepts of commitment and fidelity do not necessarily hinge on complete sexual or emotional monogamy. Whether polyamorous or monogamous, the boundaries to which people agree vary widely, and sometimes these boundaries evolve within each relationship.

What You Must Know About Your Assets BEFORE You File for a Divorce

by Moreah Ragusa

Making the decision to get a divorce takes time and is often accompanied by feelings of fear, anger, guilt, defeat, and sadness. This is understandable, but not necessary. If you change your outlook on the experience of divorce, and strive to remain open-hearted and open-minded to the many opportunities that naturally accompany divorce, you can actually use the experience to make the changes you know you need to make to have a more fulfilling life.

When getting a divorce, many of us do not consider that sometimes leaving our marriage can wake us up to what we have needed to do all along. Divorce helps us to take stock of our life, and pushes us to tend to the issues that we have been denying or avoiding because we are either afraid or uninterested in dealing with a particular arena of life (parenting, finances, fitness, career) that we feel less competent in, but that really does need some of our attention.

In as much as divorce is a time of completions, it is also a time of new beginnings, which include creating a new financial picture. Before you begin to allow fear rather than reason to take over, and you begin staging yourself to become the opponent rather than ally in protecting the matrimonial assets from your ex, you should find a chartered accountant whom you and your future ex can trust.

BEFORE you even file for separation or divorce, you and your spouse should get a clear picture of your financial house. Become versed in what the true value is of the matrimonial property you shared by getting realistic appraisals on all the matrimonial property you jointly own, including businesses, trailers, cars, boats, art, and any other assets; oh, and don’t forget the pension plans!

In many marriages, one of the partners is more financially educated and confident, which may cause feelings of fear and suspicion to foster in the less confident party. If this is the case in your situation, take the time to allow the spouse who is in need of some additional financial guidance to get it BEFORE the discussion of division occurs.

If your accountant is not well versed in the potential tax implications of the division of your assets, consult with a professionally trained tax accountant who is confident in advising you.

After you have worked with professionals to determine what your real asset and liability values are, find a qualified divorce coach or mediator to facilitate your next step: how you can best make the decisions of dividing your assets fairly, with the minimal tax implications, and most creativity, to ensure your money stays in your bank accounts and not the lawyers.

The next step to take on your divorce journey is to determine if you and your ex need independent legal counsel; this varies from province to province and state to state. If independent counsel is required, make sure you find two collaborative lawyers who have a history of working well together, and who are happy to advise you, rather than litigate your file.

To learn more about how to care for the kids’ needs in divorce, and to be educated in the needed attitudes and negotiating tools to create the new divorce paradigm, please pick up a copy of my book The New Divorce Paradigm.

Affairs of the Heart

What to Do When You Are in Love With a Married Person
by Moreah Ragusa

I don’t think that anyone sets out to fall in love and become intimate with a married person, but it does happen all the time. As a therapist, I see it frequently. An affair is bound to shine the light on everyone involved, and it will inevitably illuminate any “cracks” in a matrimonial union that one needs to see, take responsibility for and hopefully repair.

Whenever I sit across from a person engaged in a love triangle, I open my heart in compassion. I see that he or she is usually consumed by guilt, overrun with pain and confusion and literally torn between two lovers. I begin by saying that being in love with two people is not really a “sin.” In fact, I offer as an insight that the affair can be used to uncover the issues and unmet desires of everyone involved. Affairs ensure that everyone can review themselves and their relationships and move towards the relationship they deeply desire – and deserve. A love triangle can be Love’s way of waking us up to a hunger we have been denying.

So, why do you fall in love with someone, married or not? I believe there is a primary reason: we are magnetized towards love, searching for connection and deep intimacy. We are seeking someone who loves what we love, who has values common to our own, who can feed our emotional hunger and who will communicate about the inner workings of his or her being, while also listening to our inner processes. At the heart of the matter we want to be with someone who thinks that we are fabulous and who appreciates all that we are – the good, the bad and the ugly.

If for whatever reason our yearnings are not being met in our committed relationship, we will unconsciously go looking for this. Since from a soul perspective love is unbounded, free and unlimited, all people (regardless of the “human” commitments they have made to another) are lovable and open to interaction.

From the perspective of the soul, falling in love with a married individual is not necessarily a tragedy or a sin. In fact, it can be at times the only thing that will cause a person who is “falling asleep” or becoming complacent within his or her matrimonial union to wake up and do some deeper heart searching and life reviewing.

We must be careful in the assumption that to interact with and then fall in love with a person who has made a promise to love someone other than ourselves is a tragedy. The heart knows no boundaries; our values and our ideals do. But let’s not confuse values and ideals with love; they are safety nets.

Now, some will argue that commitment is an aspect of love. Love is committed to itself and to all of life. Love and life (not to be confused with living) are synonymous, and they are all inclusive. I usually say that love is not an exclusive proposition, so if we are committed to love we are “safe,” but our commitment to a person will usually only last if we are getting something in return for that commitment. Is that love . . . or barter?

Most individuals who find themselves in a love triangle soon discover that they have become torn between the head’s ideals and rationalizations and the heart’s wisdom. The heart can love more than one person at a time, but the ideologies we have adopted say, “No way! Pick one.”

At this point, depending upon our security (fear) factor, we will choose either where we feel we will be “safest” (meaning, most comfortable) or where we feel we will be most able to live in the honor of our heart, the doorway to our inner wisdom.

For more people than I can count, the big question is, “Is this love or infatuation?” I wish I could get a dime for each time this question has been posed. There is another question one might consider asking: “Is it really love that I have with the person I am already committed to?” It may well not be. You could discover that in fact you are not in love with either person!

Some people confuse love with security and safety – you know the known! This is not love. You know you are in love when you do not possess, when you get fed by loving another, and when you do not love just to get something in return. Love is its own reward.

If you find yourself in a love triangle, ask yourself, regardless of your placement within the threesome: How does this serve my soul? What is it about the person I love that is so attractive? What is it about this person that I do not like? What does this person offer me that seems so valuable? What does my future feel like without this person in it? And lastly, what is it that I have been hungry for? In answering these powerful questions, you will be well on your way to seeing why you (your soul) have attracted this dynamic into your life. Without judgment, allow it to be, and trust that it is the doorway to a better life.

Love is uncompromising and will force you to get honest. It will crack open every relationship you are in, to see if love truly dwells within it.

Nurturing Intimacy

Excerpt from The New Marriage Paradigm
by Moreah Ragusa

The soul yearns for moments of intimacy. And the authentic self within us all is magnetically drawn towards any opportunity to be intimate, not just physically, but emotionally and communicatively as well. Through the act of intimacy, we are unveiled, revealing our unprotected, unlimited, and unbounded radiant self. For this reason, intimacy is the dance of the soul, yet sheer treachery to the ego.

Intimacy occurs whenever we are courageous enough to dissolve our protective boundaries—anytime we are not consumed with the desire to be better than another. It occurs in any instant we choose the position of vulnerability over being defensive. In the decision to be intimate, we choose our macro–identification, rather than the micro-self. We override the need for control and protectiveness, and instead choose transparency and openheartedness.
The courage to be intimate comes from changing our belief and from understanding that transparency and vulnerability do not equate to a threat of injury or loss to our real self. Intimacy is not a show of weakness, nor indicative of a powerless person. Rather, it is a sure indication of an emotionally matured, integrated personality. Our socially programmed idea that intimacy is to be experienced only with those safest or closest to us is in need of change. Because intimacy is a violation to the ego, both individually and collectively, strides taken towards its accomplishment will require patience and compassion. Because the very idea of intimacy is a threat to our ego person and thus our autonomous self, we spend more time avoiding intimacy than embracing it. The truth is that we can be intimate with everyone all of the time, if we truly understand what intimacy is.